Saturday, November 5, 2011

Back in the Saddle

Well, I have had my ups and downs in the last ten weeks that's for sure.  Just a little warning here, I am going on a bit of an emotional rant here and it's gonna' be a long one.  Prepare yourselves. 

I have been diving in head first with my family.  I feel as though I have been making up for lost time.  I have always been a super hands on and involved Mom.  The last couple of months in this pregnancy I was basically absent.  I was doing the bare minimum and relying on my family so much.  I know it's probably my hormones talking, but I have felt such guilt over this.  I missed my sons first day of Kindergarten and that was so important to me.  I will never get that day back.  My Wonderful Hubby did skype me in to the boys first day of school from my hospital room, but it was not the same as being there.  It was really sweet though.  After hanging up, I promptly had a melt down right in front of my doctor.  I'm talking ugly cry complete with snorting like a pig people.  

Anyway, I know I did a wonderful thing.  I am absolutely proud of what I accomplished.  Given the circumstances I did the best I could and I gave it my all.  Rationally I know this.  My irrational side makes me feel guilty though.  Guilty for not being there when i was needed for my family. So, to compensate for this guilt, I have been spending a lot of time volunteering in the boys classrooms, taking them on special Mommy and Son outings and I even joined the PTA for goodness sake!  All I can say is that I am really trying to enjoy them as much as I can.  I am keeping really busy and i feel like time is flying.  I am trying to take in every moment because I know all to well that I will never get these moments back either.  I have come to have a new appreciation for my kids through this process.

I have also been trying to really take better care of my Husband.  He took such good care of me through this pregnancy.   I can not tell you how grateful I am to have him.  He cooked cleaned, grocery shopped, took care of the kiddos, listened to an emotional and very pregnant wife's whining and worked his butt off everyday to bring home the bacon.  I have guilt over this too.  So, ya, I have to make up for some lost time here too.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be physically able to care for my family again, but I am really having trouble getting back into the swing of things.  I have also gotten used to having a housekeeper and not having to worry about things like making dinner or working out.  I am weaning off of my housekeeper, and slowly getting back into cooking. I am also starting to workout again and let me just say, I am outta' shape!  I gained 38 pounds total and with in 3 weeks of having them, I lost 60.  I had some serious trouble fitting food into my belly and although I felt I was always eating, the babies were eating more.  As crazy as that is, I am now left with some serious toning to do.  Needless to say, I'm feeling some pressure lately.  Everyday I am wondering how I am going to keep up with these expectations I have put on myself. 

Through all of this, I am also trying to wean off of pumping for the triplets.  Unfortunately, this also means weaning off my new addiction to cupcakes too!  As crazy as this sounds, I'm a little sad to be done pumping because it's the last physical evidence that I just finished doing this fantastic journey.  Maybe this is partly "the blues" that so many women struggle with.  I don't know, but luckily I am a pretty positive person and I am positive it will get better and I'll soon be back to normal.

As for the bambinos, it's now been ten weeks since my little surro  babes were born. TEN!!!  I can't believe it.  They are continuing to do fantastic.  They are putting on the pounds.  Caitlin has pulled ahead of the pack on weight.  {I think she is storing it all in her chubby cheeks.}  Little miss Kelsie has already doubled her birth weight.  Riley is steadily packing the pounds on as well, but he better watch out for these girls!  I still get updates all the time and I can't tell you how much I enjoy all of the updates and pictures.  

The triplets were peas in a pod for Halloween.  Both appropriate and adorable don't you think?

I see these pictures and I am so grateful to think that I helped do that. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and I have learned so much from this experience.  I am still learning. 

So, that's my really looong and brutally honest update.  I warned you.   Luckily my rational side is telling me that yes, it's been really hard getting back into the swing of things, but it will get easier.  Anyway, I feel better already just getting all that out. 
Thanks for listening.  :)


Jeff and Kevin said...

Thanks for sharing. It gives all of us some perspective. You are an extraordinary mom, wife and surrogate. I love knowing people like you exist.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing! As a surrogate early in the game I am really interested in these post-baby updates. It truly helps to see and hear how others have handled the last phase. Congratulations!

momof4 said...

Thank you for writing and sharing this Heidi. My beans are only 5 days old and I have this same feeling of "guilt" going on myself. When people thank me for being so awesome or tell me I'm such a great person for doing this, all i can think about it my husband and kids cause they were the ones that had to deal with me being pregnant and me not being able to do half the stuff i normally do. I think that just goes to show that we are great wives and mothers to feel this way. I admire you and have since day one. I'm sure things will slow down and make more sense soon:) For now do what you can and make sure to take care of yourself cause your family needs you xoxo

one faux mommy said...

i love the brutally honest posts like this one heidi. it's so hard to imagine life after surrogacy beforehand and all we have to give up during and after. *hugs* to you and always remember you are an awesome mom!

Ashley said...

Heidi, this is WAY too familiar to me. Same exact thing happened after my surro triplets were born. Since I didn't bring home the babies, it was like I felt the need to go from zero to hero in just a matter of days. I pushed myself way too hard to try and make up for that time I took away from my family. I felt that guilt like crazy too and I just needed to make it up to them. It took a few months to get back into the swing of things, but it eventually worked itself out. You are doing great, but don't push yourself too much. You need to recover, physically and emotionally. Bug hugs!!!

Krystal said...

I understand the guilty feeling as well. I'm going thru it and my surro baby isn't even 3 weeks old yet! It feels exactly like what Ashley said "trying to go from zero to hero", but we have to realize that our bodies (and minds) went thru some big changes and it didn't happen overnight, so it's not gonna happen overnight for us to get back to "normal".
I really appreciate ths post, it shows me that I'm not alone in my feelings and emotions. Thank you for being so honest.

Melissa said...

Number 1-I love this post.
Number 2-I have written this post! I completely understand especially about the weaning off of the housekeeper/nanny or cook..It took me forever to (after the initial burst of energy) to feel like doing anything. You are incredible. Take all the time you need. I used to say "it must be Monday" because every Monday for months I would feel bluesy. One day it all just went away. My kids hardly remember me being in bed and only remember the babies I delivered for such a deserving family. Give yourself some time. The trips are precious:)

Susan said...

Oh hun we all get it. One of my favorite parts of being pregnant is that when I am, my DH runs the kids everywhere. I love that. I hate being a chauffeur.

It takes awhile to get back into the swing of life. And it takes awhile to figure out that your old normal will never be normal again and you need a new normal.

As for the hormonal swings...I have found that stopping pumping is WAY harder for me to do than any other part of surrogacy. Pumping gives me happy hormones I guess and when I stop I get sad and crabby and seeing that milk volume go down is really hard.

Hang in there. You will find the new you and find some balance.


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